Let's plunge right in: Moving forward with our very popular series, we bring you our third chapter in "things you don't have" (check out "Chapter 1 - Things you don't have: Ferrari" and "Chapter 2 - Things you don't have: Villa"). Today we offer you "Chapter 3 - Things you don't have: Toilet Paper".

Below is a list of toilet paper brands that you do not have. As with our past two chapters, we're following up the list of things you don't have with a list of things you DO have. Scroll down to see what you're missing, then scroll down even further to see what you're not.

Things you do not have

Charmin Toilet Paper

Charmin, the best toilet paper of 2020, has perfected its two-ply technology to make each square as strong and as soft as it could possibly be. Its intricate pattern, coupled with Charmin's emblematic signature on each square, ensures a degree of unparalleled absorbency. According to online reviews, everyone absolutely agrees that "less is more." Too bad for you that you cannot try Charmin's ultra soft rolls and you cannot try its ultra strong rolls. But look at the bright side: you can still enjoy the go! When you're ready to wipe, use one of our alternative options listed below.

Cottonelle Toilet Paper

You don't have ultra comfort and you don't have ultra clean care, but we assure you that you could still go commando. Just please do so in your own house!

In all seriousness, Cottonelle has teamed up with UnitedWay in the #ShareASquare movement. In addition to donating $1 million to UnitedWay, they also donate $1 each time anyone shares a toilet paper donation story featuring #shareasquare on social media.

Hey @Cottonelle, does this count? #shareasquare


Angel Soft Toilet Paper

This company is aware of the shortage in regular and fresh lavender-scented tubes. They are working on it and urge you to be soft, be strong, be safe! All reviews say that the lavender tubes keep the bathroom smelling fresh. We are sorry that this product is not in your bathroom. Good thing there's a lockdown. We're not coming over.

Scott Toilet Paper

Scott claims to keep on going and "keep life rolling".  But does it? Until recently, Scott had two claims to fame. The first was its single-ply toilet paper, a favorite in hotel rooms to make guests feel dirty and ashamed, lacking in absorbency, strength, and perseverance. The silver lining, however, is the cute little triangle fold winking at you as you enter that hotel room bathroom for the first time. The triangle reassuringly whispers to you that a complete stranger touched your toilet paper not too long before you got there.

Scott's second claim to fame was its Tube-Free rolls*. This is still too sad of a topic for us to discuss, and we don't have enough absorbent material to wipe away our tears, so we'll just leave the asterisk to explain and move on. To summarize, you don't have Scott's regular toilet paper, not the comfort plus (which is still somehow 1-ply), and not the Tube-Free rolls. Sorry, Scott, you're at the bottom of the barrel.

*In a very unfortunate turn of events, very soon no one will have the Tube-Free rolls as they have been discontinued. A note on the Scott website says that you can still find them at select retailers while supplies last. We haven't found them.

Quilted Northern Toilet Paper

Hold your horses, there's a new contender in town! Quilted Northern has completely outdone its competition by introducing its ultra plush THREE-PLY toilet paper.

Mind. Blown.

You cannot even begin to imagine the softness of 3-ply! Just beware that even though this toilet paper is designed to be forgotten, it could leave a bit of lint behind on your toilet seat and it may clog up your plumbing. Don't despair, we've made a list (see below) of lots of other options to clog up your toilet.

Quilted Northern did the math for us all - but did they use the ultimate authority on toilet paper calculations or did they just use their own experts?

With this in mind, we've started the #ShareAPly movement! We will donate a new meme every time anyone shares a toilet paper donation story featuring #shareaply on social media.

Things you do have

Gift wrap tissue paper

Pros: Soft to the touch of your finger, comes in festive colors
Cons: Not so soft on your bum, not very absorbent

Look for this product in the forgotten corner of your Harry Potter closet. If you can't find it, buy this product on Amazon now!

Foam sheets

Pros: Feels good to squeeze between the fingers
Cons: Not very pliable

Oh, sorry, you probably don't have this product at home. You're a "normal" person who left it in the supply closet of your office building. What were you thinking?? Lucky for you, since you can't get into your office building legally, you can buy this product on Amazon now!Scotch-Brite non-scratch sponge

Pros: Reusable and soft (make sure to use the soft side)
Cons: For maximum effectiveness, dampen the sponge before use (sink access required from sitting position)

If you have run out of this product because the whole family finally decided to join in the fun of scrubbing surfaces until they bleed, you can buy it on Amazon now!

Living room drapes

Pros: Reusable, stain-resistant, you can find a matching color
Cons: Once they come off the window pane, you don't want to put them back
P.S. Do not use shower curtains!

If the neighbors find it weird that you took your drapes down, you should probably buy a second pair on Amazon now!

Rags (i.e., old clothes, unmatched socks)

Meme trending on social media

Pros: Reusable, save the environment
Cons: There aren't any!
Yup, some of us have already cut them up into little reusable squares and we feel darn good about that! #winningatquarantine

Receipt paper rolls

Pros: If you're a small business owner, you have a bunch of receipt paper not being used for anything else right now.
Cons: If you're not a small business, you don't have this product.

Purchase it on Amazon now!


Pros: A masochist's delight!
Cons: The grit wears out after a few uses. Wait, is that a pro?
FYI, this product comes in various grit ratings from coarse to ultra fine - use whatever works best for you.

If you don't have this product, buy it on Amazon now!

Customers who purchased any of the above products also purchased BodyGlide: "Do what you're supposed to do"

Last but not least

You may not have toilet paper, but you do have time to watch old toilet paper commercials. No matter what toilet paper brand you don't have, you must agree that watching old toilet paper commercials is simply the best way to spend an afternoon and forget about your dirty bum!

You can binge commercials at the paper products section of iSpot.tv. Here's our favorite toilet paper commercial*:

*We're not getting paid by Quilted Northern or iSpot.tv (...yet? 😉 I'm winking at you, Quilted Northern and iSpot.tv)

Disclaimer 1: This article is of satiric nature. We assure you that, to the best of our knowledge, none of the information stated above is true. All statistics are made up and our references have not been verified. The Amazon links, however, are real. We will earn commission from qualifying purchases.

Disclaimer 2: This blog is not sponsored by TUSHY... but it should be*!

*Hey @hellotushy, feel free to contact us for sponshorship opportunities.
**Cover photo by Mick Haupt on Unsplash